Weighing Heavy on my Mind

Happy Holidays to all. I hope everyone enjoyed Christmas, Hannukah, Christmikah, Hannumas or whatever you celebrate around this time of year. I spent some very relaxing days at home with my family where I discovered that I don't really like my sister about 50% of the time. I love her because she is family and when she is in a good mood she is great, but when she isn't (which is about 50-75% of the time) I can't stand her. She has this angst that only a child who grew up in the suburbs and was given almost everything she wanted could have. It makes me crazy. She is ungrateful and sullen and treats my parents horribly. My parents either are too tired to care or they figure that she doesn't live there anymore so they don't have to deal with her so they ignore the tantrums and the pissy attitude. Also, for one who is so adamant that people should accept her beliefs and views without question she is the one of the most judgmental people who I know. If something is not "interesting" to her or happens to be mainstream (like marriage) she immediately dismisses it with a roll of the eye and some kind of snarky comment. I'm almost happy that we don't live in the same place because I'm not a fan. The only thing I kept thinking while I was home was that I need to outlive her because if I don't, my parents will be left at her mercy and she will probably put them in a nursing home.

Why am I worried about outliving my sister? Because I am fat. Not heavy, not rotund, not chubby. Fat. I am fat and it isn't cute anymore. I recently saw a picture of me and The Sensation at my friend's wedding and I had to do a double take. It was HORRIBLE. Now, it is no shock to me that I am heavy, but that picture made me want to wire my jaw shut for a couple of months. I look like I'm The Sensation's mother or spinster aunt. I am terrified that I am going to have to get married in a dress with long ugly sleeves (all the dresses that I have seen for "plus sizes" have these ridiculous sleeves that I really don't like). I want to wear the clothes I used to wear and not have to shop in a special store. I want to dance the way I used to dance and not be winded after a couple of songs. I want to wear cute heels and not have my feet feel like they are on fire because of all of the pressure that the rest of me is putting on them. I want to be able to get dressed and not have figure out what clothes are best for hiding the tummy roll. I know I am a fabulous person but the time has come for me to start giving myself permission to get healthy. The Sensation was talking about putting the infamous picture on his desk and at first I freaked out about it, but now I'm thinking that he should go ahead and put the picture up. Thus far, I have been all talk and no action. Yeah, I go to the gym sporadically and sometimes hit a Weight Watchers Meeting, but really, that hasn't helped has it? I've seen people around me lose weight and I'm happy for them, but it things don't seem to be clicking for me as to how to do the same thing. Linz is doing wonderfully and my friend JS has recently lost a ton of weight. If that picture has the power to shame me into going to the gym everyday, then maybe it should be on display somewhere. This is going to be the last time that I mention my weight on this blog until either I reach my goal weight or I drop dead of a stroke due to morbid obesity. If I have a good week or two I might mention it, but I can't constantly complain about things if I'm not doing anything to change them. The new year is coming and something has to change because the number on the scale isn't changing until I get up and go to somebody's gym, dance class or Weight Watchers center. The time has come for me to stop talking about it and be about it.